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LETTER TO … MYSELF

28 Mar

DEAR ME,

I’m sending this letter because i’m just worried about you.I know that from the beginning of this year you’ve been in a limbo phase and wanted to check up on you. These couple of months have been rather rough and edgy, you’ve been living life as you always wanted, intense, with many ups (and also downs), but with difficult choices, with experimental situations, but hey, that’s WHO YOU ARE. You keep saying this, but this doesn’t absolve you for every mess and complicated situation that you get yourself into or even find yourself in (when it already escaped from your control). It doesn’t free you from guilt or blame or their consequences.. someday you will just have to face the facts, face WHAT YOU WANT and stop being afraid of taking ONE MORE HARD&DIFFICULT CHOICE.

You attract many complicated situations and then you find yourself tangled, having no plan whatsoever, getting a hand of all these as you roll. Yes, that is who you are, but everyone should check up on himself once in a while and draw a between-phases conclusion.

Since i know you, you’ve always been between one or more complicated situations: either the choice was simple/dramatic maybe, or far/near, or permanent/temporary, etc you’ve been struggling for something and didn’t quite feel at ease with all your choices in the long run.

You are appearing and acting egoistic, doing everything that comes to your head, without considering all the facts and implications. you just do, act, live your life no matter what the costs “of living” like this are. I see through you. you aren’t THAT egoistic as you would like to be or would like to appear. If you were like that, you wouldn’t have struggled after taking the tougher choices, always questioning yourself on the side, seeing if you really can reward yourself with a “thumbs up” smiley..

You are egoistic and independent to an extend that you act on intuition and emotion rather on logic and don’t consider anyone or anything on the side, like a bull aiming for the red color. IN THEORY, you would like things to be more simple, but you are almost certain that this won’t turn you on or won’t keep you interested in the long run. You LOOK for complicated things, need that adrenaline rush from these on-the-edge-situations almost as you need snowboarding, paragliding, kitesurfing and motorcycling stuff!

I know you can take up and cope with any situation, because you find ANY EXPERIENCE WORTH TAKING AND RISKING in order to learn something new about yourself and about the others involved. what went wrong, what was good and, like any optimistic, you find always more goods than bads. in some almost twisted way you find the courage and power (!!) to congratulate yourself because you went through this.

You put yourself out there and learn on the move about you and about what you want. this may be a good thing. I always considered yourself to be more of a person who better regrets doing something at a certain moment (when THIS choice appeared to be the BEST ONE) than regretting NOT doing something, sometime. But this also may mean a bad thing. without mentioning that you can hurt exactly the people that you don’t want to hurt. You learn about what you want on the move, as you seek to keep up with every change in your life, learn about yourself … only being yourself and by letting yourself go at the same time.. sometimes you look like sleepwalking through your life and sometimes you are more sober and able that you ever thought you could be…

You are now scared of the many things that can go wrong AND of the many things that can go OK, but seem to be wrong also..Curiosity, emotion and this need of yours to discover new experiences and new limits got you here in the first place..

Clear out your head, lighted up and you should discover what you want and really need. Take the Paris trip as an opportunity both to forget and to consider yourself and yr impact on others. Do not overthink it or hesitate and be superficial. Let go and then maybe everything looks more simple. You are at a difficult crossroad and it’s high time you acknowledge that and act for damage control or just …be in control.

Keep me posted, hope to hear good news! whatever good news may mean at this time 😉

Sincerely,

ME

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i wonder..?

6 Apr

i wonder how, i wonder why, yesterday you’ve told me ’bout the blue blue sky.. 🙂

i wonder:

– when i’ll have the time to select some pics from Switzerland to post here and on deviantart?

– when i’ll be more able to learn that some people won’t change and won’t appreciate more?

– when i’ll have more time for my family and friends?

– when i’ll try harder to see my objectives come true?

– when i’ll convince my parents to support me in buying a motorcycle? (thanks god they’ve accepted my passion and they are ok with riding a motorcycle anywayz..for me buying some time to actually buy one and for them to get used to the idea itself)

– how long i’ll still be reminded that there are distinct people who can leave an obvious mark on somebody’s life the same way one may leave a fingerprint on the scene of the crime?

– when i’ll have more time to dedicate to my hobbies? E.g. photography

– when and how i’ll be totally decided what choices are right for myself?

– when will my friends accept not to spam me for Easter/Christmas/New Years anymooore?! when will they learn that i don’t like that spamming text messages sent to the entire agenda?!
I’ll always prefer to call and talk directly than a copied or even forwarded impersonal text message! some even feel bad and ask me why i didn’t answer them back! What should i do,forward the same text just to be on the same pace? Or maybe that is important for him/her to count another text at the ^collection^ and feel so much ^attention^ ?
Oh well .. i don’t like to be in that stupid collection of copied from the internet and modeled text messages which artificially boost one’s importance and bring easy money to the mobile phone companies!
Not to mention that they might make you feel guilty that you may not be able or JUST DON’T WANT to answer back and be judged for not answering back!

From Nataliedee

And I was thinking to myself this could be heaven or this could be hell…

7 Oct

Many times I wondered if I’m better off leaving .ro. Don’t know exactly why, just because.
Every time seems to be another reason (mentalities are different and free, people are having fun without any prejudice, know the world, escape the reality from here, run away from responsibility as I understand it here, live my youth more uninhibited, be capable on my own, get into contact with people from all around the world, face another challenge, just be with myself, try to accomplish smth somewhere else bla bla).

It’s not that I don’t have a great life here, that I don’t manage with money, or that t don’t have anything left here or despise smth. Always, but always, when I go on holidays i have the feeling that I’m better suited to live somewhere else but in Romania no. You might say that holidays are holidays and the time is spent is relaxing, etc.

The idea of holiday is more “easy” and you get to know people more shallow and superficially, always kind, funny and the situation changes if you know them better and live amongst them, in good or bad times (God, NOT referring to the marriage stuff). Everyone is different and if you accept that, I think you are ready to live anywhere else.
It’s true that if I leave I’ll miss my family and friends really badly, but if you are certain that this is for you, you’ll try to make the best of it, your family and friends supporting on the side.

My “problem” is that I feel like I’m better off shifting my life as I know it till now (I’ve made the best from my life: family, funsies, friends, adventure, trips, work..) and try to go as I please, to earn life experience, be independent and spontaneous.

Even if I am convinced that I’m not missing smth really now, but I still need to find THAT smth else “out there”. I miss the control over my life I think. Still…“this could be heaven, this could be hell”…
Romanians judge the people all around them, relationships and connections they have are not important. We judge from how others are dressed, where they work, how much they earn, who they are with, what their friends are, what clubs they frequent to the extend of what they do, how they act. Everyone is under intense scrutiny and judgment. If we don’t act and be as they expect us to be, preconception and labeling soon follow.

I have to admit that I feel determined but I’m aware that this decision requires a lot of thinking and I made an exercise: why would I be afraid of going? I realized that I’ve some “points” to clear out for myself and check them out,…like:

– What if I get distant to the persons that really matter for me and who are here. Not talking about Twitter, Facebook, the blog and so on.. I mean the real interaction and support when I’m down, when I miss my family, friends, all the nice stuff (hanging out, family dinners, etc..);
– Afraid of not taking the right decision to be on my own in a foreign country
– Afraid that this decision could be based more on some other reasons like stubbornness and running away than rational thinking;

– What if I don’t manage to get on own there. Maybe I’m unlucky, maybe all will be very competitive, maybe I don’t find the things I need. It’s not like I’m under the impression that everything will be honey there..but still;

– Afraid of change. All the day-to-day stuff that I know now, will change;
– Afraid of starting over in some way. With a master, internship probably and then job hunting if I want to stay some more …

(to be continued I think..)

Flash news

26 Aug

Am luat permisul pentru A! hooray!

Dupa vreo 4 luni de scoala (multe pauze, intreruperi, concediu) am reusit sa ma programez si sa iau sala+traseu (azi, la Ilioara)!

A fost o scoala muncita, fugarita cand de la serviciu spre moto cand invers! nu ma grabeam sa fac repede repede scoala si sa ma stresez intr-o luna ca oricum motoreta pana in nov-dec nu pot sa imi iau. Deci de acum, pentru ziua mea si de Craciun, pe wish list trec un kit de lant, un cauciuc, niste oglinzi, niste genunchere, ORICE! :)) poate il fac din puzzle asa :))

Saluti bani aruncati pe haine si alte distractii, acum strangem cureaua, oricum destul de stransa dupa concediu asta asa prelungit si cheltuielile de scoala, echipament etc! 🙂

Dar acum am un nou target…nu de vanzari, ci de economii! :)) culmea!

Cat despre scoala, o recomand cu placere mai departe! Este vb de scoala lui Cristi Bratovici din Sema Park. Sunt 2 instructori foarte de treaba, rabdatori si de incredere (Cristi si Bobita). Faci pana reciti pe de rost traseul de examen si faci si indemanare, atat cat se poate face intr-un poligon. Au motorete ok, favoritul meu ramane TW-ul care era zdravan pentru traseele de indemanare. E mai scumpa scoala aici decat in alte locuri, dar merita.

in rest, asfalt uscat! 😀

Hard enduro

20 Jul

Weekend asta l-am trait si mai ales SIMTIT la intensitate maxima! a fost prima mea iesire serioasa pe trasee de cross si hard enduro! m-am imprietenit cu ttr-ul, as fi vrut eu si cu yz-ul, dar sa mai cresc un pic. si la propriu si la figurat. e cam inalt pt mine, dar cred ca m-as descurca dupa ce mai prind ceva experienta 🙂 am fost la Sarata Monteoru (pe langa Buzau), pe un traseu foarte dificil, pe carari de munte prin padure, cu urcari si coborari, cu gropi pline de noroi si santuri cat casa.. alunecam cam rau prin noroiul ala cleios..nu aveam cizme adecvate ca n-am apucat sa-mi iau, abia dupa concediu sper.

Dupa noroaiele si pantele de la Monteoru, am plecat inspre Dunare ca si cum vanataile pe care le capatasem deja erau de warm up 🙂 Ne-am oprit cu masina langa intrarea spre comana (cred..) apoi am taiat-o inspre dunare pe dealuri cu terase cam grele, sine de tren, campuri, santuri, etc. Am cazut, m-am ridicat si am mers mai departe razand, cu tot atata entuziasm si incredere. Stiam cand m-am apucat de sportul asta ca de obicei la enduro si cross cazaturile sunt mici si dese, cheia marilor succese 🙂

Motociclismul nu numai ca imi place foarte mult, mi se potriveste. de multe ori mi-am demonstrat ca atunci cand crezi foarte tare intr-o pasiune, esti sau devii foarte bun, ai taria de a continua pe drumul care iti face placere si care te reprezinta ca personalitate. eu consider ca m-am descurcat foarte bine avand in vedere traseele, dar cel mai important cred ca e curajul, increderea in sine si dorinta de a mai practica. am o satisfactie foarte mare cand urcam sau coboram un deal dificil, imi venea sa urli de bucurie 🙂 push the limits… de cate ori am cazut ma scuturam un pic ca eram cam ravasita in tot praful si noroiul ala, radeam de mine, evaluam greseala si o luam mai departe cu zambetul pe buze. simteam oboseala si un pic durerile, dar nimic nu conta atata timp cat venea un alt deal, o alta coborare etc. ma concentram si uitam de tot.

Funny a fost la Sarata Monteoru cand au trecut cativa baieti pe niste  ktm-uri care se uitau mirati si oarecum extaziati asa 🙂 ca exista si fete care se innoroiesc pe motoare de enduro/cross si nu doar la tv dupa ora 24 la lupte cu noroi/miere etc :)))) sau ca exista fete care nu bocesc si vor acasa dupa prima cazatura 🙂

cel mai tare ma enervam ca nu greseam la urcari sau coborari grele, nu cadeam, imi ieseau bine si fara frica si ma impotmoleam la cele mai usoare unde imi pierdeam concentrarea sau aveam prea multa incredere. Motorul (indiferent de tip, dar mai ales vitezana si cross/enduro) te fura imediat, iti da aripi si incredere ca il controlezi perfect si ajungi sa vrei mai mult, sa sari nu stiu cum, sa mergi mai tare si te fortezi la chestii simple si fix atunci iti demonstreaza ca poti sa exagerezi si buf/zdrong/pleoshk in strada/sant/noroi/damb/vale/deal.. etc

trebuie sa te cunosti foarte bine si sa te controlezi. eu am plecat cu o lectie foarte importanta. partial o stiam deja de la senzatia pe care mi-o dau motoarele de strada. Vreau Hornet sau Monster in principiu, dar mi-ar placea mult si o Super Moto, asa de joaca. o sa vad in toamna ce oferte vor fi si cum vor evolua preturile.

Pana la motoarele de strada, stiu clar ca vreau ceva de cross/enduro pentru coclauri, sa ma mai invat cu mersul pe 2 roti, sa ma controlez ca temperament, nerabdare si nebunie 🙂

Azi am facut un test pe Facebook care zica ca-s “confident — or at least, confident in my self-expression, and this often leads to confidence in all things”. este perfect adevarat si demonstrabil 🙂

roz, negru sau gri. sau nevermind

28 Apr

De multe ori m-am intrebat cum as fi fost acum daca as fi facut (la un moment dat) alte alegeri. Nu regret nimic din cum si din ce s-a intamplat, dar de multe ori mi-a trecut asa un posibil fir epic prin minte, un scenariu din miile posibile oricum.

Daca il vedeam mai roz, ma gandeam ca nu, oricum nu se intampla asa. Daca il vedeam prea negru, las’ ca-s bine acum. Daca il vedeam gri, tot las’ ca-s bine acum. Ciudat cum incercam sa ne dovedim noua ca am facut cele mai bune alegeri. Nu ne mintim, ci pur si simplu nu luam in calcul ca alte variante ar fi fost mai bune si ca am gresit si izgonim imediat acele ganduri. Nu e vorba de regret, e vorba de asumare constienta sau inconstienta a unor decizii.
Consider ca am facut alegerile care, la momentele t0,t1, tn…mi-au adus cele mai multe beneficii (mai bine satisfactii, ca parca beneficii suna prea concret) si pentru care eram pregatita.

In general, alegerile pe care le facem in viata depind de noi, altele le fac altii pentru noi, devenind alegerile lor, apoi noi alegem si tot asa. Un lung sir de alegeri: bune, proaste, roz/gri/negre sunt alegeri. Cred ca nicio alegere nu poate fi buna sau proasta ATUNCI, ci doar evaluata ULTERIOR, cand putem invata ceva. Nu inseamna regret, inseamna concluzionare.

Cele mai multe alegeri depind de noi, de ce ne dorim atunci pe moment, ce ne dorim pe viitor, de dorintele pe care ni le punem la ziua noastra cand suflam in lumanari sau de rezolutiile stabilite in seara de Revelion, sau pur si simplu: de conjunctura in care ne aflam. Nu tine de aliniamentul stelelor, nici de horoscopul zodiei pe anul ala, nici de caluti rosii feng shui. Nu de elemente externe noua la care incercam sa ne adaptam si de la care incercam sa gasim un raspuns sau o solutie pentru alegerile unora sau ale noastre.

In cazul unor alegeri mai putin fericite, ca sa nu zic proaste (sunt o optimista convinsa, nicio alegere nu e neaparat proasta sau rea, ci perfectibila 🙂 ) si daca rezultatele nu sunt cele asteptate de noi atunci cand am luat o alegere, inseamna ca nu am gandit-o pana la capat, ca am gresit si trebuie sa facem o alegere noua (cand ne-am dat seama de consecintele altei alegeri).

Nu exista scenarii prestabilite care sa ne consoleze. Eu chiar sunt de parere ca norocul ti-l faci singur, asa cum si alegerile tin de tine si nu treb gandite prestabilit, ca retetele universale nu functioneaza. Dupa principiul think global, act local 🙂 .

Viata e produsul alegerilor noastre, nu un destin scris in stele, in palma, etc. Desi e la prima mana e normal sa crezi asa, mai ales ca poti sa atribui incepand cu faptul ca te-ai nascut in Romania, ca parintii au sau nu bani, sa atribui tot destinului. E usor si tu nu ai nevoie de batai de cap.

Alegerile noastre sunt ceea ce ne definesc. Si in lume, dar mai ales, in fata noastra. Daca eu aleg asta, pai ASTA imi asum si stiu ca ASTA va spune ceva despre mine. Atunci sau dupa. De multe ori, mai intai trebuie sa fim noi pregatiti pentru alegerile noastre si apoi altii. Daca noi nu le intelegem si le luam in virtutea inertiei, apoi nici altii nu le vor intelege si vom ajunge ca alegerile sa nu zica NIMIC despre noi sau sa zica TOTUL.

Am gandit, am scris si am ales sa fie un post cliseistic si heirupist 🙂

simplu vs complicat

20 Apr

Cum am spus si in postul trecut, lumea e facuta din oameni simpli si complicati. Cei simplii prefera suprafata, cand tot ceea ce se poate imparti se imparte in alb si negru, iar ceea ce e profund, e ignorat si trecut in plan secund. Doar din dorinta de a gandi ne-complicat, de a te ascunde, de a nu-ti complica viata, de a nu lupta si de a gandi totul la prima mana. Cei simplii traiesc in imediat, intr-o hotarare si nehotarare permanenta, toate luate pe moment, in virtutea evenimentelor imediate la care iau parte si pe care le provoaca ca asa li se pare lor ca trebuie sa fie cursul evenimentelor. Sunt egoisti si traiesc in acest imediat, pana cand imediatul le rade in fata, iar clipa ii copleseste si tot ceea ce era alb sau negru nu mai poate fi demarcat clar.

Complicatii sunt cei analitici, care, mai mult decat oricand, doresc a da un sens fiecarui gest, de a interpreta si de a trece si a privi mai departe de aparente si ganduri la prima mana. Complicatii nu fug, iau lumea in piept si isi asuma responsabilitatea pentru ca a trai viata inseamna tocmai a-i tine piept si nu a abandona barca  atunci cand ti se pare ca ia un pic de apa. Si chiar daca ia apa, cauti mereu vesta de salvare intai, inainte de a sari in mijlocul oceanului. Oceanul pare la inceput cea mai buna solutie de scapare, de rezolvare a tututor problemelor, dar soarele arde si mai tare cand esti in apa, iar cineva nu poate inota prea mult fara vesta de salvare. Intotdeauna complicatii isi dezvolta potentialul, indiferent de circumstante, pentru ca stiu sa lupte si sa traiasca atat momentul, cat si ceea ce va veni dupa. Sunt educati in a stii ceea ce isi doresc si de a imprima vietii un anumit ritm, care bate din ce in ce mai tare, crescent, chiar daca la inceput abia se aude.

Simplii, prin comportamentul lor, sunt in stare sa strice tot. Nu se gandesc la consecinte, nu se gandesc la ei si la altii intr-un ALT moment decat atunci, iar deciziile vin si sunt luate in valtoarea evenimentelor. Se actioneaza la suprafata pentru ca la suprafata isi cauta justificarea actiunilor. Suprafata le confirma deciziile, ceea ce vor sa auda. Iar daca cineva vrea sa isi confirme ceva, atunci cu siguranta isi va confirma, va actiona in virtutea demonstrarii, nu in virtutea gasirii contrariului care ii deranjeaza si le destabilizeaza imediatul in care traiesc.

Cel putin pentru moment, vor cauta confirmarile la tot pasul, egoismul certificat in care trebuie sa isi demonstreze ca au procedat bine, pana cand realitatea vine peste ei si ii ia pe nepregatite, tocmai acel imediat in care se simteau foarte bine ii surprinde si atunci se gandesc ca ceea ce e la prima mana, nu e mereu valabil, nu este o reteta a fericirii si a ceea ce conteaza in final. Ritmul selor simpli e diferit, este un bum initial, apoi bum-ul se estompeaza, iar imediatul se obisnuieste cu ritmul si nu mai poate fi auzit.

Simplii nu comunica, iar cu cat se simt mai apropiati de cineva, cu cat le este mai greu sa comunice, pentru ca le este frica de interactiune, interactiunea inseamna instabilitate pentru ei, frica ca deciziile sunt destabilizate, ca vor fi influentati si ca CEVA-ul, pentru ei atat de simplu, brusc nu ar mai fi simplu si lor le-ar fi din ce in ce mai greu sa isi demonstreze ca procedeaza bine. Nu au nevoie de cineva care sa le infirme imediatul de care acum cred ca au atata nevoie.