I made a decision to temporary put myself on the first place. And adventure. And long forgotten hobbies (like photography). Not family, not bf, not work, not friends, not sports, not money, etc. This was easy, but what came out of this wasn’t, or isn’t to be more exact. When I first started to think about solo traveling in Thailand nobody took me for real, maybe they knew I was too tightened to life here and I was speaking gibberish. But face it, I don’t really have (for now) REAL responsibilities, except for my own happiness and how I manage that, through me and through others around me. I’m not blind, people around me have great impact on me and I have great impact on them, but too many times I was thinking about the consequences of this fact and made decisions under this influence. All I want now is to take some time, spend it with myself. I was asked some time ago which was my superpower. I thought that I needed time to figure this out, but I already knew what was it: just being myself and being able to let myself go in the same time. Sometimes I look like sleepwalking through my life and sometimes i am more sober and capable that i ever thought i could be. This situation is no exception.
People around me acted as if “it will pass”, “it’s just a phase she is going, she won’t really see it through”. But I did. I (tried) to explain my decision to people important to me, I talked to my boss, I bought plane tickets. Then, people RE-ACTED. Some reacted good, much better than I expected them to (parents, colleagues, boss-btw, thx a bunch, guys!), some re-acted bad and made me (not to rethink my leaving, as they would have wanted), but made me sad that they weren’t there for me, that I couldn’t share the excitement, that they couldn’t be glad for me and that they couldn’t see my decision as a sign of a REAL step in sobering myself.
Maybe it’s just me, but when you are in a relationship you don’t “breathe” only that relationship. You need to be able to breathe by and for yourself, as an individual, as a part of a whole, in order to be able to breathe inside the relationship. Why can’t we just be relaxed and feel at ease with the other’s way of being even if it is different than ours? Why can we accept that THIS brings people together much more than trying to sculpture the other as you want him to be..
I let myself once be influenced and the result was that I didn’t do what I felt like doing. Back then, I was thinking too much with my heart, ignoring what my guts and mind were saying.. I don’t really regret it in the mean way, but now, a couple of years later, I still think about that moment like of a lost train or bad inspiration and I wished then for myself that I wouldn’t do this again, that I will listen to my guts, heart and mind. IN THE SAME TIME, hopefully. Life doesn’t give us any guarantees, I realized that. we only take leaps of faith or make decisions that we must assume for ourselves. What ever this means. I have to always think ahead and live my life as I know best.
Even if I don’t leave now, this feeling won’t stop, I won’t be able to take some time for me and my staying here, now, isn’t/won’t be a guarantee of a future whatsoever anyway. I’m certain that in one way or another, my leaving like this will definitely mean a change for me of some sort. And for others impacted. I’m no fool. As I can change perspective, everybody can do the same. It will enrich me and I’ll definitely find more goods than bads in the end, and if less fortunate things happen, I’ll make sure that I’ll find the courage and power to congratulate myself because I went through this by making the best of it. MY best of it.
Please note that ..”Life begins at the end of your comfort zone” – Neale Donald Walsch
Label Extravaganzza 